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Sunday, September 28 This post is for Deon. Not that he reads this blog, but I need to vent. I spoke to him over messenger very briefly tonight, and was practically brought to tears. He was having a whinge that the only photo he got of me at the valedictory dinner feature me giving him the finger. He had a bit of a bitch to me, and then had a whinge to mike saying; "arg.. caroline!! she desided to be a dick and put her finger up in the pnly photo i have of her!! can u tell ehr that i take things personaly i think she forgot that shit!!" I didn't forget. If Deon had stopped for a moment to think about it, he may've realised that there was a reason he only got one picture of me on Friday night. I was avoiding him, and ignoring him. I didn't speak a single word to him the entire evening. I was upset, and hurt by the fact that he brought Fiona, and I didn't want to be anywhere near her, and thus him. I was angry, and when he tried to film me, I gave him the finger. It's not like he didn't deserve it. I'm completely aware that he gets upset by shit like that. Which is exactly why I did it. I was striking back I suppose. I've never claimed to be a nice person, when I'm hurt I fight back. I'm not making excuses. Of course, Deon didn't stop at bitching about the stupid photo. No. He then went on to pretty much say that he had no intend of coming to my birthday dinner. Thanks a lot. I'm presuming he knows how much this fucking dinner means to me. *cusses and wanders off to tend her wounds* Kitty typed random crap at 23:10 I'm going up the beach! Tomorrow morning in fact. Unless we're running late, which we undoubtedly will be. I'll be up there until friday night I think, so no more posts until then. My poor audience. lol. I love the beach. Kitty typed random crap at 18:38 Yesterday was gradutaion, and the valedictory dinner. And because I'm far too lazy to properly describe the events, emotions etcetera, I'll take a page from Jenny's proverbial book, and simply describe yesterday's happenings by way of a Cheers & Jeers. The Graduation Assembly. Cheers to: - Us. For actually making it. For surving thirteen long, torturous years of schooling. For still being alive andkicking at the end. - The organisers of the assembly. It was tasteful, it was nice. And the speeches didn't actually bore me into a stupor, which was surprising. - The adorable kindy kids who presented us with flowers on stage. Just for being so very cute. - The males in my grade who for once, resisted the urge to act like complete and utter dickheads. Jeers to: - The people who brought crying babies. One word: gags. - The band. Aside from the trumpeter who repeatedly missed his or her cues, a song entitles "Heart of Darkness" hardly seems fitting for a celebration of our graduation. The Valedictory Dinner Cheers to: - Ms Alderson, and her moving speech. She rocks. - Sydney, whose speech was at the very least amusing. - All of my friends, for looking amasing and posing for lots of photos. - My hairdresser who despite her intial disgust at my proposition of an up-do for my shortish hair, proceeded to do an amazing job. - The cool waitress who served Georgia alcohol and was just generally friendly. - Mike's awesome idea of giving Ms Alderson a copy of "Fox in Sox" (Dr Seuss's filthiest book) that had been graffittied by her entire english class. - Kodak, for making a disposable camera that has black and white film. SO chic. Jeers to: - The girls in my grade who think that they are about 3 sizes smaller than they are. - The evil bitch-nazi mother who verbally attacked Ms Alderson in the middle of the room after her speech. Booooo! - Uneven floor + high heels + weak ankles. A v.bad combination. - Skanky. And before I get abused by her fan club, let me speak. The school SPECIFICALLY said that girlfriends and boyfriends from outside the school were NOT to be brought. Her presence was innapropriate and unreasonable. She had no place at an evening designed for members of our grade and our families, to celebrate our completion of our schooling. I resented the fact that she was there, I'll make no secret of it, and I won't apologise for it either. The Valedictory Dinner was supposed to a special occasion and I feel that she tainted it. Not completely of course, I still had a wonderful night, and I'm not stupid enough, nor childish enough to blame her for "ruining the evening". I don't like her, I think everyone knows that. I have sufficient reason not to like her, and every reason to wish she hadn't been there last night. It's bad enough that she'll be at the formal, but it was just fucking RUDE for her to show up to the Dinner. And Deon might not have noticed it, but I pointedly ignored him the entire night. Deon is my friend, but I was really hurt that he chose to bring Fiona. Just like I was hurt by the fact she came to the HSC drama performances. She shouldn't have been there. Please don't bitch at me in my comments about this, and please don't offer advice about "getting over it" or anything like that. I'm hurt and offended, and this is my blog. I can't stop you from commenting, but I'm just saying that any defence of Fiona, or any supposed "constructive advice" will just piss me off. But I have to end on a postive note. Just let me think of one. Ummmm... I got my special provisions for the HSC! That's something positive. I applied on the basis that my hand sucks, muchly. So I get to type in my exams, which is such a relief. *waves goodbye to crippling hand pain and illegible answers* It's kind of scary, though, because now people in our group make up and even larger percentage of the people in our grade with provisions. As I've said to Evan, we must just gravitate towards people who can't write. I seem to gravitiate towards nerds too. Most of my friends are male, and fall squarely into the category of nerd/geek. I wonder if that says something about me. The weirdest thing is that pretty much the same thing can be said of my sister Jen. Her male friends are nerds too. Must run in the family. Kitty typed random crap at 02:03 Thursday, September 25 Today was kinda cool. I went to school in a floaty pink skirt, a white top, a white feathery halo and a glorious set of white feather angel wings. It was pretty damn cool. We started the morning with a glitter hairspray fight, and later in the morning, D took us to woolies. I was dressed as an angel, Erin; a fairy, Jared; an ass-pirate and well, Luke as his usual self. Deon wasn't in costume, but he did look decidedly freaky. Earlier I had painted eyes onto his eyelids, which meant that when he had his eyes closed, he largely resembled a possessed Ken doll. It was hardly surprising that 95% of the people in Woolworths stared at, laughed at and commented on us. We also went for trolley rides, around the store, and up and down the steep ramp to the carpark. It was so much fun. Do you know what today is? It's "Cinderella gets to go to the ball with Prince Charming, but doesn't have a gay curfew" Day. 
YAY! Meanwhile, I'd like to send a message to my computer. Does anyone know how to say "you suck total ass" in binary? Kitty typed random crap at 20:02 Wednesday, September 24 *purrs* Today was a lazy day. Lazier than normal even. So now I'm comfortably warm and fuzzy and content. Although I'm slightly bored. Jenny is ignoring my mcsummonings. Silly Jenny.  V. bad. Am going off to pout in a corner now. Kitty typed random crap at 20:39 Tuesday, September 23 Today is a very special day. 
Today was waterbomb day. We managed to get random other year twelves, and we did a run of the local schools. The executive staff at our school took note and decided that if we were going to piss about for the rest of the term, we may as well do it somewhere else. And thus, today became our last day of lessons. EVER. It's really rather frightening. *shivers* but it's also quite exciting. :D Being that I had a free period after lunch, and Erin had acquired herself one also, we decided to go see Pirates of the Caribean. And then we decided we were too fucking lazy. So instead, we people watched, window-shopped, and bought assorted Disney Princess merchandise. All in all, a very cool afternoon. I intend to have a nice long sleep tonight, and bludge the entirety of tomorrow. Thursday will most likely involve dressing up as a fairy and acting like a weird fuck. (moreso than usual) I think I'm done now! Byes! Kitty typed random crap at 21:01 Sunday, September 21 Look! Shiny new template! Aint it purdy? I thought so. (don't say ANYTHING, mike.) *dances* I went to Canberra on the weekend, supposedly to see my sister get her head shaved. Didn't happen. *grumbles* I wanted to see my sister bald. Stupid college. On a cooler note though, I had my first cigar. It was cool. And don't give me any shit about it being a filthy habit. One tiny cafe creme does NOT count as a habit. And it's actually not that disgusting. *blows smoke rings into the air* Today my entire immediate family had a barbeque together. It was cool. It's been so long since we all got together, without the annoying presence of our other relatives. Yeah. Don't have much more to say about that.. I was going to write some more, but frankly, Im too fucking lazy. Bite me. Kitty typed random crap at 21:21 Wednesday, September 17 I'm grumpy and bitter and fragile tonight. "Your world is too cold even for me" Nothing good comes of wishing for things that will forever be out of your grasp. And nothing good comes of pointedly staring at the gaping flaws in the structure of our brief existance. I try to make these bouts of pessimism rare, but they overcome me of late. Perhaps it's the realisation that the existance I've known in some form for 13 years will vanish in a mere six days. Thirteen years of wishing it would end, only to realise, days before armageddon, that I don't really want it to be over yet. I'm being over-dramatic, as always. But we'll just ignore that for the moment. I'm scared. I don't want to have to find a new life, carve out a new niche. I'm so comfortable right here. *hisses at change* It's so easy to fall into a pattern of self-pity when you feel so much for someone who doesn't feel the same way. It consumes you, this desperate need to mean something to this person, to mean more than you do. And then you start to doubt your worthiness, because they don't see any worth in you. It's silly, so trite, as if taken from a poor teen movie. I'm a walking bundle of cliches. *sighs*Well, sitting anyway. Enough of my self-pitying bullshit. *picks chin up and forces smile* It's all cool. :D I'm going to be 18 in 23 days!
YAY! Kitty typed random crap at 22:15 Tuesday, September 16 vote in my poll, I command you! Yeah, umm, I have nothing to say. bye. Kitty typed random crap at 20:13 Monday, September 15 *hisses at anyone who expects me to be mature* So what if I'm going to be 18 in twenty-five and a half days. (not that I'm counting or anything) I don't think my impending adulthood should prohibit my buying of My Little Pony toys. (shuttup) I think they're cool, and they smell like youth. *brushes pony's hair with nifty little plastic brush* Yes, I was aware that I'm insane. I like it that way though. Kitty typed random crap at 18:07 Sunday, September 14 *marvels at new pretty linkage* mirror writing kicks ass. I'm sure I'll be badgered to post more later. until then... Kitty typed random crap at 18:01 Friday, September 12 *twiddles thumbs* I've instructed, or should I say, ordered, to post. I don't really have anything to say though. umm. I'm tired I'm bored I'm a little lonely I've got a headache I'm wishing I didn't have to do the HSC I'm wishing I was up at my beach house I'm wishing I was thinner I'm wishing I didn't have the impulse to whinge I'm missing.... someone I'm very lonely I've got a sore back I'm very proud of the templates I've made in the past few days I think I'm going to make another one I feel like smiting a random person I'm incapable of writing an interesting post I'm sorry. (in more ways than one) I'm wishing I knew what to do with my life I'm bored I'm done. Kitty typed random crap at 21:24 *considers posting saomething worthwhile* *thinks* NUP! Kitty typed random crap at 18:25  Shift-Eyed What Kind of Facial Expression are You? brought to you by Quizilla Kitty typed random crap at 17:27  Hecate ?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ?? brought to you by Quizilla Kitty typed random crap at 17:12 Wednesday, September 10  My inner child is six years old!
Tuesday, September 9 Two fucking slightly self-pitying posts and everyone you know thinks you need advice, and that they're the ones to give it to you. While I appreciated some of it, namely my two favourite Jennifers, some of it, frankly, gave me the shits. I'm not wallowing in self pity, I'm not morbidly depressed, crying to myself at night about unrequited love. I'm quite content actually. I don't care at the moment whether he feels the same or not. It's irrelevent. I'm quite convinced he only likes me as a friend, but that's cool. It's not eating me up inside or anything. I'm happy just to be his friend, that's all I want from him, that's all I need. Which is precisely why I've no intention of telling him yet. Why on earth would I want to fuck things up? I like them they way they are. *shakes head* And as for never knowing, I'd rather live without concrete proof of his indifference to me, than fuck things up forever by confessing to him. Simple as that really. Kitty typed random crap at 19:48 Really! It was all Aaron's idea. *absolves self of blame*  Kitty typed random crap at 18:24 Monday, September 8 This afternoon I sat on my parents bed, aimlessly thumbing through the countless booklets strewn around me, each designed to give me a purpose in life. None of them did. The Job Guide at least provided me with a little entertainment, as I saw careers such as "cashier technician" and "adult sex worker" (okay, so that one wasn't in the guide, but it's funny nonetheless) The UAC guide dampened my spirits however, by tauntingly telling me that I won't even attain the UAI to do Farm Management at UWS. Nasty UAC guide. I thought that at least one of these stupid books would stand up and say; "Hey Caroline! Look over here! THIS is what you're supposed to with your life!" But alas, the bastardly booklets kept their mouth shut. Pfft. So I'm left at exactly the same position I was in before, completely and utterly lacking in any life plan or career aspirations. I'm going to be a dole bludger. *cries* Oh well. I'm just going to apply for a whole bunch of arts courses, and when I don't get into any of them, I'll either bludge, or go to a private college, and pay fuckloads for my degree. Stupid future. Who needs 'em anyway? future = Sucky. future = change future = leaving nice, comfy life behind future = leaving nice, comfy friends behind future = unknown, scary shit future = different and I like things the way they are. :( Returning to the subject of Saturday's post, because someone actually commented on it. Any damage that can come of these lies has already been done. I've already been lying for 15 months. A few more won't make a difference. Maybe I'll tell him at the end of the year, when the option is available to never talk to him again, when I can totally avoid any rammifications. Maybe. *shrugs* But nothing good can come of telling him now, and currently, I couldn't cope with the ill-effects the news would have. Call me weak if you will, but that's how it is. *shrugs again* Kitty typed random crap at 19:39 Sunday, September 7 I've bee staring at the screen for a while. I don't know what to say. I feel as though there's something to be said, but I know not what. Pfft Kitty typed random crap at 22:11 There are two types of lies. Lies you tell, and lies you live. To tell a lie is to intentionally say something that is untrue, for whatever ends. it can be as simple as telling your friend that her arse doesn't look huge in those jeans, or as complicated as multi-million dollar fraud. These are the nice, easy to define lies that we are taught to categorise from an early age. Lying is bad, unless it saves someone's feelings. But what about lying by omission? It's a slightly greyer area. I wonder which is harder to forgive, a lie told, or a lie lived? I hate talking about this. I have no idea why I'm wasting blogspace on it. It's barely coherent. I'm scared. Secrets kept become lies lived. Because lying by omission is still lying. Anyone still reading this is probably thinking "what the?" Let me explain. I've ~liked~ my 'crush' since June last year. Which is about fifteen months. For all that time, to him, I've been pretending not to feel anything, and I sure as hell haven't told him how I feel. It was always my intention to do so though, at some point. I just kept putting it off for fear of any change to our current relationship. I rationalised it by saying that trhings would be awkward, due to the whole unrequitedness thing. And if he'd found out months ago, it would've been awkward. If he found out now, it'd be the apocolypse. Okay, so perhaps I'm exaggerating a little. But it's not quite hyperbole. It could seriously suck. Let's do the maths. Him finding out I like him = bad. + Him finding out how long I've liked him = v.bad. Him realising how long I've lied to him = v.v.bad. I don't want to tell him, and yet I feel SO bad about lying to him. Stupid freaking conscience. Pfft. What are they good for anyway? *cusses conscience* Kitty typed random crap at 21:38 Saturday, September 6 Go do my quiz. Please? What is your website's sexual orientation? Kitty typed random crap at 00:46  Kitty typed random crap at 00:40 Friday, September 5 Blogger sucks total arse, so I made a new blog. It's still needs some tweaking, because there are still random template issues. *cusses* comments will be up soon, I promise. Kitty typed random crap at 23:28 *sings* It's over, it's over, oh my god it's over! DRAMA GP IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!!! I think that's pretty much all there is to say. I'm very tired, and my sanity is hanging by a thread. But it's over. It's over. It's over.  Kitty typed random crap at 23:25 Blogger still steadfastly refuses to post for me. Bastard. I hate blogger SO much. It's only when the damn thing fucks up that I relaise how much I really enjoy blogging, pointless though it is. *pines for publishage* Kitty typed random crap at 23:24 Quizzes that blogger will refuse to publish.  "You must remember this, a kiss is still a kiss". Your romance is Casablanca. A classic story of love in trying times, chock full of both cynicism and hope. You obviously believe in true love, but you're also constantly aware of practicality and societal expectations. That's not always fun, but at least it's realistic. Try not to let the Nazis get you down too much. What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life? brought to you by Quizilla Kitty typed random crap at 23:24 It drives me absolutely nuts when my internet fucks up. I just can't handle it. I guess it's kind of pathetic that I have such a dependency on this stupid inanimate object. But I use the net for so many things! I use it, most importantly, to procrastinate, But also to do research, to blog, to find pretty pictures of Brian Molko and mostly, to catch up with my friends. *pines for an agreeable internet* This sucks Testikles. In recent news, I have now managed to make yet another seemingly polite person cuss like a sailor, not unlike the cockatoo my great-grandfather once owned. *points and laughs at Evan* It's almost as much of a victory as making my mum swear. I was so proud of that. *beams* I'm not evil, honest! Okay, so maybe I am a little. But it's a good evil. I'll keep telling myself that. Today was the muck-up photo, where the entire grade went out of their way to look like dickheads, instead of doing it accidentally like they normally do. It was amusing, because a few of us forgot to bring our illegally obtained traffic cones etc. so we borrowed them from the school. LOL. So everyone else had these pilfered signs, and we had these perfectly legitimate ones from the school groundskeepers. Oops. Still, I got to hold a "SLOW" sign over Erin's head, so I'm happy. Not only is my internet fucking up, but I’m completely out of phone credit too. I’m completely isolated in terms of communication. I FEEL SO ALONE! Okay, so I’m being a tad melodramatic, but it still totally smells bad. Back to the net issue, blogger wouldn’t let me publish, so all my shiny template adaptations are currently hiding. I’ve said it before, and I’m bound to say it again, I hate blogger. *smites blogger* Okay, my rage has now subsided, to be replaced by complete and utter apathy and tiredness. Thus, I’ve lost all impulse to blog. Kitty typed random crap at 23:23 I don't have anything to say, but my bitch-whore blog won't let me publish my template changes without posting. I hate you blogger. *hisses* Kitty typed random crap at 23:22 Blogger sucks ass. Bigly. 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